For separated and divorced parents, what should be the happiest time of the year is often the saddest. Whether it is a new circumstance or has been the case for a while, being unable to spend all or part of the day with your children can make for a frustrating day, both for the parent and the children.
It is important for parents to remember that when making decisions about who, when and how children spend time over a significant period like Christmas, the children’s bests interests should always be paramount. This is also the guiding principle enshrined in the Family Law Act 1975 (‘the Act’).
In this article we’ll provide some tips on how best to approach the end-of-year holiday period when parents are separated or divorced, to try and minimise stress and the possibility of conflict.
Types of arrangements between parents
When parents come to an agreement between themselves or seek orders from the Federal Circuit and Family Court of Australia after separation or divorce, they generally account for how children will be cared for during important annual holiday periods such as Christmas, Easter and school holidays. Some will have 50:50 arrangements, with a handover at lunchtime, for example, on Christmas Day. Others may prefer blocks of a week at a time, with the children alternating which parent they spend Christmas Day with each year. There is no one-size-fits-all approach to parenting orders – they depend on the individual circumstances of the parents and the children.
When it comes to an agreement, court-ordered or a parenting plan reached through mediation, some parents may prefer a looser, more informal ‘as agreed’ approach to Christmas arrangements. This requires each parent to communicate openly, in good faith, and with enough notice to each other to arrange time for the children to spend time with each parent around Christmas holidays. This may be easier said than done at a time like Christmas, when each parent may be under pressure to fit in with plans made by their extended family, including travelling to attend celebrations. Christmas is a holiday but also a time of stress and tension for many people because of their commitments and responsibilities.
Some tips to avoid conflict at Christmas
- Know what your orders (or parenting plan) state in relation to Christmas and the holiday arrangements, if any, for your family.
- Subject to any binding restraints, communicate and agree with the other parent on what you will do ahead of time so there is less tension.
- In an age-appropriate manner, prepare the children ahead of time about what to expect over the Christmas period, including being specific about times and dates so they are not surprised by anything.
- Be child-focused and consider what will be best for your children – not what is best for you as the parent.
- Avoid situations where your children are drawn into the centre of conflict.
Parents should remember their legal obligations under the Act
Where parenting orders are in place, parents have an obligation under the Act to do everything the order says. This requires each party to take all reasonable steps to ensure the details in the orders are put into effect, and to positively encourage children to attend in compliance with the orders. A common source of conflict between parents is the accusation that one or both of them are not observing its detail or are not committed to it working.
An example of this is where the order states that the children must spend time with the other parent. The parent currently caring for the children is obliged to not only ensure that the children are made available but must also positively encourage them to go and spend time with the other parent.
Similarly, while there may still be bad blood between the parents about the breakdown of their relationship, it’s important each parent not criticise the other to the children. To do so can be tremendously damaging to children, who generally have a loving relationship with each parent and do not want to be the source of tension or conflict between them.
The benefits of asking for help
Sometimes, despite the best efforts of each parent, difficulty or conflict with the other parent may still arise, particularly at times like Christmas. One parent may take an uncompromising approach to what they want for the children, and seek to ignore or manipulate the other parent.
It’s important to remember that help is available to advise either parent when this situation arises. A counsellor can offer helpful advice on how to cope with difficult relationships and situations. There are multiple online resources providing advice and guidance. In some cases a professionally qualified dispute resolution expert may be required.
To make sure you and the other parent comply with the legal obligations of parenting orders, speak with experienced family law professionals such as our team at Delaney & Delaney for more information or advice.
Open and early communication between separated or divorced parents, particularly during periods that require a lot of organisation such as Christmas, is the key to ensuring this time of year is the happiest it can be for children.